A Visit From Etiquette of Madness

/ Robin

fear poster
I’ve not been able to post for a little while so I’d like to share with you a post from my other blog  The Etiquette of Madness. It’s similar to this, only different. I hope you enjoy it.

It’s one thing to recognize the madness, it’s another thing to fix it.

Wait. I forgot. It can’t be fixed. We need to learn how to live with it.

Have hope. It can be managed so that we can live rich and meaningful lives.

I’ve been thinking about the difference between “manners” and “etiquette”. When I say “The etiquette of madness” I mean living with the illness and interacting with our world in appropriate ways. I realize this is not always an easy thing to do. I have a few things that I do to help me get on or stay on track interacting with the world around me. It is a pretty short “to do” list, but every element is essential to my wellbeing.

Steps to Proper Etiquette
Take medications as prescribed and do not forget to take them
See counselor regularly and do not skip appointments
Regularly see personal physician
Have support system in place to reach out to (even one person counts)
Exercise and eat well to be healthy physically
Have a purpose in life
______________________ fill in with your own idea

Purpose
The first five things on the list are things you’ve probably heard before. Having a purpose for your life might be something you’ve not thought about in dealing with living with Bipolar Disorder. If you are a religious person your purpose is probably something along the lines of serving your God. If you’re not religious you’ll have to think about it and decide what your purpose for being here is. This is especially important when you’re feeling depressed and like there is no reason for you to keep living. Having a purpose can give you something to hold on to when part of your brain says, “Why am I alive? I can’t do this anymore. I want to die.” Another part of your brain can answer and say, “I have a reason to live. No matter how I feel right now, I still have a reason to be alive. I will fight and not quit because the world needs me.”

When to determine your purpose in life
If you are depressed right now this will probably be more difficult for you to do. Ideally being in a state that hovers between depression and mania is the best time to nail down your life purpose. If you’re manic and trying to do this, use common sense to balance out your manic state. When you’re really high you might think you can change the world, but that isn’t logical and probably isn’t going to happen. Be realistic, but aim high. You are not an ordinary person. You are extraordinary and have unlimited possibilities.

People with Bipolar Disorder Who Achieved Great Things
Just a very small list of people you may have heard of who were diagnosed or are recognized as having had or have Bipolar Disorder (You could be a member of this list one day):
Patricia Cornwell – One of the most successful crime novelists of all time
Kay Redfield Jamison – Author and doctor
Patty Duke – Actress and author
Carrie Fisher – Actress and author
Vincent von Gogh – Painter
Demi Lovato – Actress, singer, author
Catherine Zeta-Jones – Actress
Jean-Claude Van Damme – Actor
Jim Carrey – Actor and comedian
Kurt Cobain – Musician
Ernest Hemingway – Author
Robin Williams – Comedian and actor
Virginia Woolf – Author
Frank Sinatra – Singer and actor
Sidney Sheldon – Producer and author
Ted Turner – American media businessman. Founder of CNN

(This list is compiled primarily from Wikipedia and by Kay Redfield Jamison in her book “Touched with Fire”

Pick Me Up’s When Life Feels Like *&%#$

/ Robin

A few things my bipolar mind sometimes responds positively to.

Ellen DeGeneres Show – I use my DVR to record every show and I watch it sometime that day. It is the one hour that I know that no matter how I feel, I will smile without even knowing I’m doing it.

My Heeler/Kelpie cattle dog Bailey – I have to take care of her multiple times daily. I can’t just sleep in or ignore her. She has to go out to do her business. She needs to walk to get exercise. I’ve started taking her for play dates with my son and daughter and their respective dogs which gets both of us out of the house and involved with other people. Making that phone call or text to arrange that date is sometimes so hard to get myself to do.

Reading a biography (or better, an autobiography) of a dead person. I’m reading Eleanor Roosevelt’s Autobiography right now. Even if I only read a page or two at a time, it helps break the constant cycle of feeling shitty.

Eating a slice of Edwards Hershey’s Chocolate Crème Pie. Yummy!

 

Successfully Bipolar

/ Robin
Play Date May 12 2016.jpg

My daughter and her puppy Mercy and my dog Bailey on their play date today.

Disasters for yesterday: My elderly (14 years old) cat has been diagnosed with cancer. She throws up at least twice a day on the carpet. Next, while out walking my 2 year old cattle dog barfed. Next I gave the cat the steroids in liquid form and it went all over the kitchen. The dog came to see what was going on and chased the scared cat off. Sigh. I’ll try again tomorrow.

I’m a firm believer in striving and working hard to be successful whether it’s in dealing with myself and my mental health issues or it’s working towards my financial goals. I’m doing so much better with my brain than I am with my finances.

I’ve always been fascinated by success and successful people. While I haven’t been obsessed by it, I have relied upon it to pull me through some pretty serious depressed phases. I have found help in

I believe, that I can follow my passions and reach my goals despite having Bipolar Disorder, PTST and ADHD. I try to live like I believe that. I study and think about my issues and how to be successful. There have been many times when I think about giving up and just trying to survive. Sometimes just living is all I can do… when I’m profoundly depressed.

Today, I’m thinking about what I want to do with my life (I’m 53). I’ve taken to studying how to be successful and reach my goals again. I’ve been reading a new book on Bipolar Disorder so that I can deal with myself more effectively. It’s helping me realize I really am depressed.

One of the first things I’ve learned is that what I think about the most is going to express itself outwardly eventually. It’s like when I get stuck in the circle of depression and all I can think about is how depressed I am, I stay depressed. What I have to do is try to choose to change my thinking, change my state.

Why should I strive for success? What does that even mean? Can I, a person with Bipolar Disorder, even be successful? Or will my illness keep me from reaching my goals?

Every person desires to be successful. They may not identify what they’re doing as trying to be successful, but it is. I want to be successful even it means just liking themselves and I bet you do too.

All people want to be successful. Being successful doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re trying to be rich. People who go to work generally do so to get paid to make money. That money is needed to cloth, feed and have shelter for themselves and the people they live with. Making money is what they are striving for and when they get it, they are successful, but maybe they see their goal as providing for their family.

There is another kind of success where making money is secondary. This is when what you’re doing is something you love doing. You’re following your passion. When you’re able to follow your passion you are successful. The best thing is to follow your passion and make money doing it, at least that’s my goal.

If I set a goal and reach the goal, I am being successful. If you are a person with Bipolar Disorder, you can be successful. If you’re currently depressed you may not feel that way right now, but it really is true. You and I can be successful.

When I’m depressed the idea of reaching a goal is usually the last thing I think of. I’m usually just trying to get up and get through one day at a time.

When I’m manic and I can slow down enough to remember that I have goals, I usually make great strides towards my goals. I love chasing my dreams, my passions and my goals during the manic magic. The problem is I do a lot of chasing and not a lot of catching.

Right now I’m somewhat depressed according to the assessment my new counselor recently gave me. I feel pretty good. I’m focusing on my goals and my passions. It feels good. But I have to ask myself if I should be trying to follow my passion right now. I’m on disability and don’t have a job. I really don’t have any money. Following my passion isn’t going to give me a paycheck or make me money any time soon. But you know what? It is the one thing I can hold on to, when I remember, that I can do fairly well and I can indulge in it anytime I want to. I want to be better at it every day. I hope that I am.

I hope that when you feel well enough, you can figure out what you love about life, what your passions are. I hope that when you close your eyes you can see you and your passion together, see yourself engaged in your passion.

And now, true to my bipolar self, I’m having a mood swing. I had an incident giving my cat some medication and it went very wrong. She was diagnosed with cancer today. Not a great day. But I’ll try to give it to her again tomorrow. I have to hold my shit together right? I’m alone now there isn’t anyone to help me and Siberia is depending on me.

Yah think this is a small test to see if I’m determined to be successful? Yah I don’t think so. It’s just how things go sometimes. I’ll try again tomorrow.

Bipolar Stress and a Tick

/ Robin
Barney panties_001

Some days I feel like I’m walking aroud with panties on my head too.

I’ve stated ticking again. Last year I had a facial tick so bad that often I couldn’t be understood. When my kids were around they would sometimes have to interpret for me. It was horrible. We thought at first that it was one of my medications (I take a lot), but we ruled them out.

Eventually I discovered that it was stress causing it. I don’t know what changed, but after reaching a super intense point, it started to go away. One day I realized it was gone.

I decided to take this quarter off from school so we could look for house and because of family matters so I expected my stress level to be lower, so I was surprised when I started ticking again.

I’m afraid that it will worsen. The thought of it terrifies me.

I’ve spent hours upon hours learning about myself and my various illnesses so it frustrating me to have this happen. I thought I was doing better than this.

What to do? I need to stop this before it gets out of control. Besides the changes I’ve just mentioned I have a new counselor too and that causes me stress.

I am often feeling on the edge of anger and depression.

I asked myself what I can do to stop my stress from getting out of control. Here’s my plan.

Ask myself what’s bothering me and why it’s bothering me.

Talk to my counselor for guidance.

Keep taking my chill pills.

Try to do mindfulness and/or meditation.

This last one is key I think.

Perhaps confessing my struggle here will turn out to be cathartic.

I’m going to go back to the basics and evaluate the different areas of my life to see if I can determine if something I’m ignoring is what’s bothering me.

I suspect that adding all the stressors in my life up will show that they are all the problem together and I need to fight back. On my own I’m going to exercise and work my dog more and give mindfulness another try… or maybe meditation a try.

For some reason the thought of mindfulness stresses me. This proves how logical mental illness is. I don’t know much about PTSD but both counsellors think I have it. Perhaps I should look into it too.

I just realized that my son decided to move out about 2 months ago and moved out about three weeks ago. The stress of him moving out is probably impacting me more than I realizing. I have only lived on my own for six months once in the 80s.

Maybe I’m scared of being alone.

Late breaking news – another destabilization – my chronic pain management doctor is moving and handing me off to an associate. There are a lot of deep emotions that go along with chronic pain. The idea that my treatment might change terrifies me.

New counselor, new pain management specialist, living alone. Great.

I can do this.

As always any input or ideas are welcome. I love getting email from you. This would be an especially good time to hear from you my friends.

Being a Bipolar Mom

/ Robin / 1 Comment
Tonys House

My brother’s mid-century modern home for Mother’s Day

This is my first Mother’s Day completely alone. My last kid moved out a few weeks ago. I’ve been depressed, but not too bad. Then there was today… alone with myself and my dog. I talked to my eldest for almost two hours and it was so wonderful. I miss her a lot. I hoped to hear from my other two kids all day… but I heard from my mom instead. We exchanged greetings and love.

My youngest finally texted me and said she’s had phone trouble. I told her to call me. I’m not about to text with my kid as a visit for Mother’s Day. She called and we talked for a while. I told her how sad I was. I’d just cried a little. It was good to talk about it with her. I miss her. She moved out almost a year ago.

I was taking my dog out to go do her evening duty and my phone rang in my pocket. 10:00 p.m. and my son was finally calling. He’d called earlier while he was out shopping with his girlfriend. Thank you but if you respect me you’ll give me your full attention. I was hurt. I told him I was outside and that I’d call him back.

I did call him back after I got the cats fed and my coat put away. I was feeling grumpy and hurt. I called and by this time I had nothing left to say but to tell him how I felt about him calling me while he was shopping. He’s done it before. It isn’t respectful to me or the person he’s with. It’s very selfish.

We talked for a couple of minutes and I didn’t have anything else to say. I feel that way sometimes when I’m feeling hurt.

Mother’s Day was lonely. I feel sadder today than I did yesterday, but I’ll be okay.

We got most of the family (accept my son and his girlfriend) together at my brother’s for a BBQ Saturday. It was a beautiful day and we had a nice time playing cards and eating. The picture is of his and his partner’s mid-century modern home.

I should have gone for a walk today. It was a bad choice for me to choose not to go out. The sun would have been good for me.

I’m going to get my mind off myself and read some of Eleanor Roosevelt’s Autobiography. I find that it is good to read biographies and autobiographies of people I admire. I can hopefully learn helpful things from them and maybe even be inspired. You never know when inspiration will sprout.

Happy Mother’s Day fellow mom’s.