I Pissed Myself Off Again!

/ Robin
20150426_185732

My Mom and her dog.

I asked my mom to come over to my house with her dog so they could hang out with my dog and I and we could have some positive bonding time together. Things didn’t go so well. Let’s put it this way, when I’m upset Bailey, my dog, sits basically on my feet till I calm down. After I was done yelling at my mom for secretly triggering all my triggers, I realized Bailey was leaning against my leg.

I knew I should have taken a chill pill before she came over.

I shouldn’t have to take a chill pill before I see my mother.

It wasn’t her fault. She triggered all her triggers and I responded in the time honored tradition of a bitchy and disrespectful daughter. Maybe over all I was right and she had no business being a blockhead. Maybe she’s 73 and I should have kept my mouth shut when she first crossed the initial line and complained about my wanting to rent a movie on TV for $16. How can I spend so much money?!

I’m sad.

I made my mom cry. I asked her why she was crying and she said she just still does sometimes. My dad passed just over a year ago. She didn’t blame me or the old family photos I was sharing with her.

Personally, I think it was because her adult daughter is sick and will never be normal. I think she feels like she’s always going to have to take care of me. Maybe it breaks her heart. I know it would break mine.

So yeah, I pissed myself off again by missing every single point when I could have chosen to stop and back pedal. All that was left afterwards was to apologize and try to figure out how to not rise to the occasion next time because there will be a next time.

I’ll see her in the morning. I hope I can be respectful and keep my damn mouth shut.

I shall try.

My Best Friend Has Borderline Personality Disorder

/ Robin
When I look at this I can't help but be amazed!

When I look at this I can’t help but be amazed!

What do you do when your best friend is near rock bottom and has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and you have Bipolar Type 1 and you’re doing pretty well. At least, when I compare how we’re both doing I’m doing better than she is I’m doing better than she is.

Do I avoid talking about how I’m doing and play down my successes? Do I focus on trying to help her feel better (I don’t think it’s possible to talk a person who is BPD into feeling better.) There are a lot of ways to approach this problem.

I decided to step up to the plate as it were and take a chance on getting more involved and trying to understand her illness more so when we talk I can have a better chance of understanding what’s going on in her head.

We were texting on Facebook yesterday and she wasn’t doing well (as is her normal state). She was especially down because she was ruminating over her wife divorcing her. She couldn’t let go of thinking about it. I know for certain that rumination is one of the worst things anyone can do especially over something like that.

I was reading one of my blog visitors blogs today and she was talking about how stupid her doctor/psych is and how impossible it is to get help from (I’m taking liberties now) someone you don’t respect intellectually. My friend feels that way too. (As do I)

I can’t talk her down. I’m not able to do that. Yes, I can “just be her friend and listen”, but when you’re very depressed you often don’t feel like talking. Anyone agree with that? I do. Texting seems to give her the ability to respond. Maybe because I’m not right there and there is emotional physical distance. I’m not an immediate threat. She can just close her laptop if she doesn’t want to talk.

I’ve decided to dig deep and try to help her and not just listen. That means I have to spend some time learning about her condition and understanding how it’s different from mine. Do I really want to give up my “feel good time” to expose myself to someone who is so very depressed? Yes, she’s my best friend.

The first thing I thought of was that we needed some kind of common ground. I realized that with her on the other side of the country maybe the best way to do that might be a book. I have a book that teaches mindfulness and it occurred to me that this might be something that might work for her to. It turns out we have the same book: The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & … Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook). As you can see from the title it has a section on mindfulness. Now I haven’t been tremendously successful practicing mindfulness, but it gives us something common to talk about even if it’s just talking about how bad we are at it.

It’s important for me not to abandon my friend. Right now, I’m doing pretty well. It’s a good time to give her a hand to grab on to. She’s been there for me when she’s been down. I don’t know how she’s managed it, but she has.

She read my post on AWE and said her mother says something similar to her. She thought it was a good thing to do. I don’t know that she CAN do it right now. But cognitively, she understands it.

She said something that gave me insight into myself that I’d not thought of before and it’s a big difference between the two of us and may be why I’m more likely to be doing better than she is. She said that when I have problems. I work through them. I’m a problem solver. (My words) I don’t just sit there overwhelmed. As soon as I can I start looking for answers and try to fix myself. I fight back. She can’t do that. She just gets overwhelmed and sits there and talks herself into feeling worse.

She’s right. I do like to problem solve. While I’m dedicated to working to deal with my bipolar, I’m willing to try to help her however I can. And if right now that means just sharing how I’m dealing with my problems, then that’s what I’m going to do. She’s better than I am at reaching through my personal crap to help another.

What have I learned recently that I think can help her? That I need to identify my triggers and when they happen I need to take action and keep them from making things worse. And, look for awe. Be amazed by the love that her dogs look at her with. Watch the sun go down and be in awe of the beauty of it.

I don’t have a medical degree, but I have over 50 years of dealing with bipolar, ADHD, anxiety, and more recently PTSD. I presented with bipolar in my teens but wasn’t diagnosed till after I had all three of my kids. It explained so much.

I love the way the community here reaches out to one another. I appreciate it whenever I hear from any of you. If you have any ideas on how I can help my friend other than just being a good listener (and I try to ask good questions) please let me know. I’d appreciate the input.

Meeting the Triggers with Awe

/ Robin

I’ve been thinking a lot about what to do after I encounter a trigger and my bipolar or one of my other difficulties (like anxiety) are “activated” so to speak. I can’t just ignore it.

First I guess I should explain what I mean by a “trigger.” When I say I’ve been “triggered” I mean that something has happened that causes my bipolar to come out of balance or remission and become active, and there is a good possibility that I might become depressed or manic. Just like the other day when my daughter pushed my buttons.

This is the moment I’ve got to be ready for. I can’t just ignore it and hope it doesn’t become a full blown episode. It is so easy to be overcome by bipolar disorder. I must always be vigilant. I have Bipolar Type 1. I experience mixed states and cycle rapidly. I don’t enjoy it when it is running rampant. Sometimes in the past I haven’t wanted to live because it has been so devastating. I will do whatever I have to to avoid that from happening again. I want to live.

I was reading in Psychology Today yesterday in their March/April 2016 issue and I found an article on “awe” called “It’s Not All About You!” by Carlin Flora. The article talks about “rumination—or mulling over worries—is the biggest predictor of depression and anxiety” (52).

Wow is that ever true for me. I waited till my son got home and told him about it, then I blogged about it, then I talked to Kyle about it some more. And of course I thought about it in the in between times. What about you? Have you found that when you ruminate you are in more danger of having an episode? So what to do.

Awe. The article goes on to quote a study that says, “Awe is the opposite of rumination, it clears away inner turmoil with a wave of outer immensity.”

So I decided to do a little experiment. We live near Mount Rainier in Washington State. It’s only an hour to the park entrance from our house. I used to take the kids to the park when they were young all the time for a break from school and so we could have time away and together. Family time.

My experiment consisted of looking for “awe.” It included my son Kyle and my dog Bailey. We drove for 30 minutes to get to beautiful Alder Lake which is on the way to Mount Rainier. We enjoyed the drive and taught the dog to fetch in the lake and swim. She’s never been swimming before. She never hesitated. Then we played fetch with an old black and yellow football we found in the garage the other day. We spent time alone together, away from the normal stresses of daily life. We were gone for 2.5 hours.

I found AWE. It wasn’t hard. It was like it was waiting for me to notice it. I found it in the beauty of nature, laughter and the love of those I was with.

How do I feel now? Honestly, I feel good. I don’t know how long it will last, but for right now, I feel like I’m back in control.

Look for awe in your daily life. Whether it is in the eyes of someone you love or in the colors of an amazing sunset, look for awe. Maybe you’ll find it stopping you from ruminating too.

Bipolar Triggered – The Next Day

/ Robin
Bailey!
Bailey in a box.

How do I feel the day after the girls hit multiple triggers for my bipolar? Well, I over slept so that didn’t help. I was fine till I remembered they have my book and I decided I wanted it back. Then my son, who is looking for an apartment with his girlfriend, told me he was on his way out the door to go to look at a place just 10 minutes after I got up. I realized his girlfriend, Melanie, is at work and I asked him if he was going alone. Yep. Can I go with? There wasn’t enough time. He said he thought about it but there wasn’t enough time for me to get ready. Really? He could have got me up.

He left and I thought things over and I called him. I asked him to call me if he has questions. His little sister should have let me go over the place with them before they moved in because I would have warned them off. Now, a month later, they’re going to move out.

Anyway, my calling him was just my way to hold on a little bit. The kids are going every which way and I’m having a hard time today. I started to cry a little and quickly ended the phone call. I feel useless.

None of them need me, and they selfishly take from me without thanks. I know probably all kids are like that, but if you’re like me (being bipolar) it is especially hard for us. I’d like to think a normal parent would feel the same way at this point. In fact that’s what I’m deciding just now. I’m not in crisis (I don’t think so). I’m sad. I feel lonely. I resent that Syd takes and doesn’t give.

I think when Kyle gets home I’m going to ask him to go to Alder Lake with Bailey and I. We used to go there all the time when they were young. Its 30 minutes from our house straight up the highway towards Mount Rainier (in Washington State). I need a break. I think he does too with the way work has been going and his needing to move. It will be fun to play with the dog at the lake. There shouldn’t be too many people there yet so maybe I can let her off leash and let her run.

Just to recap: yesterday a bunch of my triggers got flipped. Today, how am I going to deal with it? A few minutes ago I started to cry. I’ve had a chill pill and calmed down.

I’m going to fight my way through this. I’ve been preparing for weeks. Now it’s time to see if I can do what I tell others to do.

The first thing is to acknowledge it, face it, and decide how I’m going to protect myself and move forward… keep growing stronger. I refuse to turn into a puddle of stressed out mommy. Holding onto my frustration with Sydney and Toni isn’t going to help.

Stay tuned…

Parenting As a Trigger

/ Robin

I’ve written about triggers and how important it is to find them and avoid them so we can avoid the next looming episode. I just had my daughter and her fiancée over for dinner and to give them a few directions on training their puppy. I thought they were open to listening to what I had to say, that maybe they respected the way I’d trained my dog (with a trainer for $!000, real training) and were ready to listen since their puppy is pretty out of control. I was excited all day that they were coming over and that they wanted to know what I could teach them.

I shouldn’t have made that assumption. It was trigger city.

The first thing that went wrong was that Sydney (daughter) didn’t tell Toni that her lipstick wasn’t surviving dinner well. Toni got mad and stalked off to the bathroom.

Then we talked about training their puppy that they have labeled as a “service animal” and that they’ll need a “choke” chain to train her. Toni got on her self-righteous soap box and informed me she wouldn’t ever choke her dog. Using their harness and flat collar was going to be fine. Maybe. But that’s not what the experts taught me. With puppies this age (4 months) treats are the preferred method, but she’s going to get bigger very fast.

Also I don’t appreciate her lack of thanks or respect. Sydney already disrespects me like while she came in the kitchen and busted open cheddar cheese crackers I bought for her brother and started eating them by the handful even though dinner was nearly done and I had told her they were for her brother. It amuses her to make her brother’s life more difficult. The problem is I paid for that food. Not her brother.

They’re gone now. The puppy pooped on my carpet. I’ve loaned them my training book and dvd. They didn’t say thanks for either one. I suggested they buy their own and they said they probably couldn’t afford it. I know they can. They just got their financial aid from school. I’m not going this quarter so I don’t have any new income.

Now I’m sad. I took a chill pill before they got here and I’m glad I did. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I hadn’t.

I was going to try to keep my post short tonight, but I’m not feeling super fabulous.

It makes me wonder what kind of mother I really was. I’m going to stop myself from ruminating over this tonight. That will just make things worse.

Maybe it was minor. Maybe I’m over reacting. It’s what I do. I’m sad and feel unloved.

I done been triggered.