Why I’ve Gone Back to College at 53

/ Robin / 5 Comments

This last fall (September 2015) I started classes full time at the University of Washington Tacoma taking a full load. This is something of a miracle because I live with Bipolar 1, PTSD, ADHD, and a healthy dose of anxiety. Lots of anxiety. You might think going back to school, and being around all those people, and having to get up when I’m depressed, and write papers when I’m depressed, stressed, manic and full of anxiety is a pretty fool-hearted thing to do. It may be. It certainly hasn’t been easy. I admit it probably triggered the episode I’m riding out right now. But still, here I am. I made Dean’s List (I got good grades) last quarter.

I’m here because I have been being a no one. I’ve had nothing to do and not a thing to contribute to society. I’m here because my brain needed a jumpstart. And, I’m here to learn to do the things I need to know in order to reach some of my goals.

How’ve I been doing? I’ve had melt downs. I skipped classes once last quarter. I’ve freaked out over writing papers (It was about 30 years ago that I wrote my last paper.) Every week brings new challenges and triumphs. Yes, I’ve had some triumphs along with my bumps and bruises. I’ve been terrified a lot. Even the drive to and from and parking make me anxious. I leave an hour and a half before class so I’m never late and always have a place to park. (It’s how I cope.)

I’ve gone into this with my eyes open and done all I can do to prepare. I’ve registered with the Disability Services office because I’m legally disabled and I need to be able to tap their help when I need it (like having longer to take a test) and I do. Near the end of last quarter I had a meltdown that sent me to my doctor who put me on a chill pill. It was like magic. I could calm down and think. I was able to finish the quarter actually have finished writing the papers and remembered to turn them in. (This was the chill Pill I mentioned a few days ago.)

What am I getting out of this? As I’ve said I needed a jolt to my brain. I’ve always fancied myself a communicator and I’d lost my ability to do that. I had even stopped my sloppy blogging.

I took a huge risk. I’m still taking that risk and it is paying off. I’m being challenged to think in ways I haven’t thought in years. I feel smarter though in all probability it’s just the cobwebs coming lose. I’m also driving some of my classmates nutty by asking them questions that any Freshman should know. But I’m a transfer student and I’ve forgotten all that Freshman stuff. Plus, now we use technology and not paper and pencil. I’ve had a lot to learn even with the basics like how to turn in an assignment online. Not everyone is patient and willing to answer these kinds of questions.

If you’ve been thinking of challenging yourself and reaching outside of your comfort zone I encourage you to try it. You can always go home and refuse to leave again. Or, maybe you’ll like the way that it makes you feel.

I’m Having an Episode

/ Robin

I think that sometimes it’s good to take stock of how I’m doing (okay, daily) so I know what I can handle and what I can reasonably expect from myself. For example I’m currently having an episode. It’s been going on for some weeks now. It could best be described as a mixed state with rapid cycling. Oh, and I’m Bipolar 1, just so you have a clearer picture of me. This is the fourth night in a row I haven’t been able to sleep before 2 a.m. Normally, when I’m not having an episode, I drop right off when I lay down at 10 or 11 p.m. I’m frustrated.

I’ve tried my sleeping pills. I’ve stopped having caffeine earlier in the day. I’ve been making certain I’m taking my Ritalin early enough that it doesn’t interfere with my sleep. I’ve been walking more regularly and working my dog. She’s learned three new tricks this week. I’ve been doing my homework and cleaning house. I’ve been planning my website and registered with the Amazon Associates program. In short, I’m manic… part of the time.

Then I’m depressed. I start arguing with my mom. (Yes, I’m 53 and still call her “mom.”)

I can’t quite keep the mania going long enough to finish anything before the depression slides back in and everything comes crashing to a halt. And I forget, that I’m having an episode. A mixed-rapidly-cycling episode. If I could just remember that when I flip back to manic instead of laying here frustrated I could get up, like I just did, and get to work till my mind calms down and I can finally sleep.

If you’re reading this and you don’t understand, that’s okay. It just means we’re different. If you can identify take heart, you’re not alone. And if you’re depressed or manic hold on, I’m those too, stick around. We have things to talk about.

Bissextus – A new word…

/ Robin
Definitions for bissextus
  1. February 29th: the extra day added to the Julian calendar every fourth year (except those evenly divisible by 400) to compensate for the approximately six hours a year by which the common year of 365 days falls short of the solar year.

 

I’m Missing Something Good

/ Robin

I’m missing something deep inside that connects my emotions up with my brain. It leaves me feeling empty and cold. I’ve got to find a way to feel alive again. I’m missing me some mania! And that’s the truth.

The Magic Little Pill

/ Robin

I’ve had severe anxiety problems for years. When I started back to college last fall the problem intensified. Some days I was so terrified I’d sit on the sofa and cry. That is not conducive to doing homework. There were no papers written those days. Papers! Those were the worst! I had the same teacher and he wanted a total of four papers for the quarter.

Eventually I went to my doctor the day after I had a meltdown and was given a prescription for a chill pill that I could take regularly, daily.  Finally someone had listened to me and seen that my level of anxiety was way too high for me to function. The pills took effect right away. The very next day I was doing homework. Now it hasn’t been a miracle pill. I don’t take it all the time. When I feel the skin on my back start to tighten and climb up my neck and I start to breathe hard I know it’s time to go get one before I get out of control.

It’s best to stay on top of it. It’s like not having an interruption of my cell phone service.

I’ve just had to take one a little bit ago. I had to stop studying and close my book. It was getting too stressful. I have to finish reading a second chapter, watch two videos and then take an online test on it all online. I’d like to finish it tonight. I have three poems due Monday in my Introduction to Creative Writing class. They don’t feel ready at all. And she has homework due that day too. I have a lot to do. Oh, and I have a presentation to give in another class on Monday.

So I had to have a pill. So I could chill. I’ve been doing this and watching Ellen. I’ll be ready to get back to studying after Ellen. The pill will be working and I’ll be done here. I’ll be confident… and let me tell you… the pills have helped me have some confidence because I’m not so busy being terrified and paralyzed.