I’ve taught my kids to tell the truth to my counselor, med provider and myself when talking about how I am doing. Were I to ask them about the last two days their report would… okay, it would suck.

I’m not going to whine and snivel and tell you how awful things are for me because right now things are pretty good. I haven’t gone out to buy new clothes, but I have the cash to do so. We don’t eat out or regularly go to the movies, but we could go in our current situation. We’ve just spent a few lovely days with their sister (my eldest lol). She’s gone back to Tampa but we left each other with a sinus thing. Yum. She’ll be back on the 18th for three weeks! I can’t wait.

This is just the problem with me… always looking to the imagined fixed or better future while neglecting, not my kids, but myself. This time I let myself get out of rhythm with taking my meds. I’m not sure when I took them and when I didn’t. Was it morning, afternoon, evening…. when? When did I last do it right?

I was trying to think of a way to share what a wonderful time we had with my daughter here, and it was great… but that’s not what I’m telling you about friend. That’s not what’s eating away at my heart.

My behavior is largely governed by my taking the medications my med provider and I have concluded that I need and that I take them as prescribed. They are my lifeline to my world. They provide me with the possibility that I might enjoy a day, and another day, and another one after that, and…. where could the future take me?  No, that’s wrong. Meds aren’t the only lifeline for me. The first and most important is, well, it’s me.

I’m the example… who I am and what I do with myself. Daily, like did I take my meds?

My example to my kids pretty regularly (the cycle of my bipolar life) is self-destructive… year after year. You know what I mean, don’t you? If you are Bipolar, especially BP 1 you know what I mean…the cycle – Rage. Fury. Destruction. Suffocation. Despair. Resignation. Self-destruction… we know, don’t we?

My example to my kids and to my puppy even, has been that of one who has gone off her meds for reasons unknown. Then the self-destruction begins, the downward spiral. Then I implode upon my little family. I fear for the day one of them may say it is too much for them – I am too much for them.

But they love me. As much as I’d like to have them ask me for forgiveness it is more often I who asks it of them. I’m not trite about it. Sometimes I know we need to forgive each other and through my anger… sometimes I can stop myself long enough for that to happen.

What example am I?

Better today, than yesterday.