Bipolar Parent – Are they what they seem?

/ Robin / 1 Comment

Now bare with me I’m going to talk about two sets of parents and kids. Let’s begin briefly with my parents and then dive on into what’s happening with my Bipolar family as a direct result.

I was at my parent’s house waiting for my father to re-emerge from the bathroom. There was some discussion of sitting or standing but that’s neither here nor there. See, he falls asleep on the pot. . . .

Later we’re discussing who the woman in the pink coat is in the kitchen. “It’s mom, dad.” “Oh, okay,” he says, “it must be that pink hat.”

Sometimes so lucid. Sometimes not so much so.

I’m ok. I’m as confused by his confusion as I am by my own confusion.

I’m exhausted. I’m starting to sound stupid and I’m repeating myself all the time to my kids. It’s getting mentally and emotionally painful for me to be me because of the stress. I mean, the feeling stupid, the missing my counseling appt. because I overslept (I really need her now), the not knowing what I’ve said to which kid… I’m the Bipolar parent. And I’m so tired. I can sense that the next thing could be to make bad decisions… like when talking with my dad or other family things get confusing and I don’t remember important things. Simple and complex things.

In the past I’ve been on Ritalin when I can’t hold my attention like this. When I’m off trying to do something different in my head than catch my father from sneaking down the hallway without his walker. My brain is trying to process too much. Focus on dad or whatever it is I’m trying to do… stop trying to do both. Woe that I could.

I could pay for the Ritalin myself. I may. I’ll give it one more day and I’ll go get it. I need to be focused for my kid’s sake. I have to help them through this terrible and difficult time. I need to be a strong Bipolar daughter because my brother and mother probably won’t be. I’ll cry. I’ll grieve. I’m not saying that I won’t. But hard things have to be discussed and decided among the adults. Then I come home and explain it to my kids at different times of the day (because of high school verses UWT) what’s going on.

I take it in and am still keeping my head mostly above water because I’m taking my meds. Let me say it again. I’m taking my meds. I think that’s the first thing to go. We forget or we choose to be “bad” just “one” time. Right. Don’t forget. Figure a way out. My way works for me for now. It’s kind of complicated, but it works and I’m in control. No one (especially my kids) ask me if I’ve had my meds today. Though, I may volunteer that I haven’t just for the sake of confession my indiscretion. And I only tell one of my kids.

If I’ve left you confused you know how I am right now. Know what? It’s alright. I’m heading to bed and this can just be confusing as hell and I’ll probably forget by tomorrow.

Good night my Friends

Bipolar Parenting

/ Robin

“Are you going to stay for the Seahawks game? You know it’s hardest when you realize it’s the last time you’ll ever do something together.” (he passed this last Monday)
My dad said that to me today. I decided to stay. I was going to go home and watch it alone like I usually do because the kids don’t follow football. My Mom and I are the ones shouting at the TV. Dad wakes up once in awhile to see what’s going on. Some kids have left here, one has arrived.
I mention all these intimate details of our family life because I am Bipolar and my father is dying and I’m finding myself need my kids around me just as dad needs us around him.
……

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Bipolar – Parenting During Times of Loss

/ Robin

My father is still with us and for this I am thankful. I dread his passing for where it/he will leave the family… grieving.

Most of my life my father and I fought. Some people somehow missed all that, but it was real we fought all the time. Well, if you can call violence in the air (verbal abuse I guess) as fighting.

Since his diagnosis just a few months ago as having stage 4 cancer that had spread at an alarming rate we have been having weekly and sometimes twice weekly family meals. We meet to celebrate what we have and finally who we are to each other.

Who we are… My brother is seeing me more often now and is noticing I change from week to week. I almost feel like I understand my father’s dementia.

Three months we’ve been fighting insurance to get any of the ADHD medications approved. I’m foggy. I’m distracted. I’m not driving safely. I’m spacy. I need help.

My counselor is taking up the fight for me to find out what is going wrong and how to fix it. She said that I have enough to worry over with my dad being as he is without having something like this complicating and stressing things more. I hope she makes progress.

Bipolar parents during times of grief and loss…. I’m still waiting. It’s getting harder for all of us each day. My mother,  my brother and I and I my three kids. The pain of watching (dad) grandpa go further each week is so hard. But he fights to stay lucid and in good humor and I think he does it for us.

And so as a Bipolar parent beginning to deal with loss and grief all I can tell you is this: at the end of the day, all we have left is family. Make your peace while you can. You never know when that kid or parent or spouse you didn’t tell you love them before they went out to drive someplace never to return to you.

Everything, every trip, every word spoken in spite or anger, every moment of love and kindness, every second before the passing of a Bipolar mom’s father… is stressing me much more than normal. Much. It pierces my brain. How can I help my kids through this and my mother and brother if I cannot think because an insurance keeps denying my medication? It’s very very hard.

Being a mom during the wait for loss is hard. My mouth might say the wrong thing in front of the kids that they aren’t ready to hear. We’re very open about it. We talk about possible ways we think we might react. I think that’s a subconscious effort to prepare us for the future.

For now, we’re working with Hospice and waiting. He can’t be left alone. I think that is the hardest on my son. He doesn’t know what to talk about when he stays with him. I didn’t realize until it was too late how hard it was. He never complained. Unless its about a sister.

May the Schwartz be with you.

Your friend, Robin

Bipolar – Daily Survival – Mindfulness

/ Robin / 1 Comment

Hello again,

I would tell you that having Bipolar makes my life, my days, challenging at the least. But you already know that don’t you? I’ve been considering sharing with you something I started doing that I find helps more than… well, you’ll have to try it and see.

I’m going to share some TED Talks with you and talk about how these Talks relate to Bipolar. This first video (No, I’m not going to turn my blog into a mini “TED Talks” venue. However, I’ll take (learn) help wherever I can find it and in this case it starts with a short video. (Please watch it. It is NOT religious in nature. I say NOT RELIGIOUS at all.) Let me know what you think. How do you think this might help me in dealing with myself everyday?

Bipolar – At Death’s Door

/ Robin

I sometimes find that I’m so concerned with how I’m going to handle things that I become distracted from the really important things going on around my brain and I that I may miss the moments that will never happen again.

Or more plainly put… I need to remember to look around me and not within only.

My father has returned home after being admitted to the hospital early Monday morning. As they say, “he gave us a scare”. His cancer has spread and is causing him pain. The pain turned out to be what we thought was the end.

Now for my reaction: I didn’t implode. Of the immediate family I was the stable one and I felt good about that. I took care of business. It wasn’t my time to cry. When it is I will.

I think of it like this; I am a single mom. I raised three kids on my own. As a mother I learned that most of the time I need to keep myself going because it was my responsibility. Even having being Bipolar type 1 and out of control most of the time I was still mom.

I held myself together for them. I’m not sure exactly how I managed it… But that’s another story.

About my father and his impending death all I can tell you that this was not my time to cry, not now. I think that’s alright.

Functionally I’m staying on my meds and getting enough sleep. I’m seeing my counselor and med provider. I have determined that I will be as mentally ” healthy” as I can be. I will cry when it it my time to cry, and that’s okay.

My friend join me as I look around myself… and see those around me.