Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar – You Seem “Normal”

/ Robin

It really is difficult to know what to say. Should I begin at the beginning? When I knew something went “wonky” with me? Should I share some of the ways I’ve tried to improvise to survive myself? Perhaps just today?

I saw another new counselor this week. I like her I think. Today.

I mentioned to her that yes, I am on disability… as in collect disability, and that I was approved within minutes it seemed of walking into the interviewer’s office. My new counselor said what so many others have said, “You are one of the lucky ones.” Most people don’t get on disability and they should be. (See note below on defining “crazy” and similar words)

I imagine that to her, on that day this week, that I seemed like I’m pretty well together. Life is giving me a crap load of stuff to deal with at the present time, but I seem to be dealing with it. How, she asked, could she help me?

Teach me to know when I’m having normal feelings. Please… please help me to know when I leave the area of normal grief and loss when my child goes to basic training and when I’m crashing. I have to know. I have to be able to get help. I need to know when to stop. I want to know if it will ever stop.

My eldest daughter is coming home for a few weeks from where she’s stationed at MacDill AFB in Tampa, FL. She’s recently received her certification and is a real, honest to goodness… wait for it… air traffic controller. I’m certified disabled, a single mom, food stamps and am supported financially (Only to pay my bills, not to do anything like buy my cats a toy, but I am very thankful for what they do do. do do? due duo… lol) by my parents who are in their 70’s. My kids are Sydney 17, Kyle 19 and Jessica 22 and they are all amazing. And I’m amazing too. AND, so are you.

When they were young and I was already bonkers. I didn’t know it then, but I was. Sometimes religious experience can mask what is really mental illness.

I admit to being very intelligent. Not always smart or having the commonsense of a turnip, but I’m intelligent. I realized when I divorced my kids’ father that being Bipolar and being labeled “crazy” could possibly allow my ex-husband to have custodial rights over my kids. There was no way in whatever hell that that was ever going to happen. I wouldn’t allow it. Not on my watch and my watch is every moment of every day.

Let me cut to the chase. Because I’m “intelligent” (ehem… little pride check) I realized that there was a possibility that he could “take” the kids from me, that they would live with him and visit with me. I knew absolutely that if that came to pass I would crack and I might not come back from that broken place. I …. I raised them. All by myself. Without a job. Without money to speak of. Without so many of the normal “stuff” kids get and have today.

I was the only parent I know (still know) who couldn’t take my kids to fun and often expensive places (I’m talking about the local zoo here, not Disneyland). We live near Mt. Rainier. I had a reliable Ford Explorer (till it was repossessed…. you Bipolars out there might identify with that) and we used to pop up to the mountain and have a snowball fight, have a meal of summer sausage, cheese and crackers; then head home again. We counted deer too. Got something like 17 or so in one trip. We did these trips in under 3.5 hours. Then they’d do homework, eat and pass out.

It was pointed out to me was that I was building memories with my kids and that is the most important kind of “gift” I can give them. I’d never thought of it like that.

I coached sports teams and did all the “normal” things a “normal” super mom would do. And you know… no one in my family ever told me that hauling the sports equipment to the baseball field was NOT supposed to leave me collapsing in a chair trying not to cry before I was full of joy and energy and the person those kids needed me to be. I tried to be that person very hard. Now I  realize that my perception of doing a great job might not be the same as the two women over yonder not cheering for their kids but doing a lot of talking. Normal. Who the hell knows or cares anymore?

No I don’t.

Then I went far far beyond that. My days and nights have been full of the pursuit raising my children, of making them into the adults they are now. Yes, yes… all the other factors. Sure. But I have always been there. I am still here. I will always be… BE.. for them and be here for them. They know I would fight the legendary devil, Satan himself, to protect my babies. Heaven help you if you get in my way.

My pursuit of seemingly being normal today is a direct product of the hysteria that accompanied the thought of loosing my babies.

You all, my friends, you probably know what may lay beyond the surface of my “normalcy”. If you do… it should terrify you and, or because, you know it too.

Back to the counselor – “How can I help you?” she asked me gently. “Help me to know when I’m feeling normal feelings. Help me stop when I cross into the uncontrolled feelings that can destroy me.”

I look normal.

How about you?

Bipolar – Delusions of Grandeur

/ Robin

Delusions of Grandeur.

Ever heard that my friend? Consider this….

Talent and ability yet untapped.

Be well till next time,

Robin

Bipolar – Dealing with Insurance Co.

/ Robin

Greetings Friend!

I don’t really  like to complain or make this a place to vent, but I want to give you the basics… It isn’t always health care insurance that sucks.

Since my son’s car “wreck” over a week ago the tow truck company lost the car. Then we found the car. Then our insurance company (we have the same one as him) connected me with my rep. Next, his rep. called me after my rep. concluded business with me since it was now his insurance co (we share National General) I had to talk to “Reggie”. He’s a bit of a moron and lazy from what I could tell in our awkward interactions. I’m pretty sure he lied to me about when the car was re-towed to their impound lot and when (later) specialist would inspect the car and determine fi they should fix it or total it. Reggie had no idea. You know who did? The rental car company.

Enterprise car rentals called me yesterday to ask if I would like to look at any of the used cars they sell. They could easily hook me up with one of their sales people. I’m like “what?”  He let me know the car was totalled.

I called Reggie. He had no idea. He told me he was now handing me off to another guy who would make me an offer on the wrecked car.

Then, the Monday after the accident the insurance company (National General) called (another guy) to offer my son $1500 to settle his PIP claim. Seems like it’s a little fast, don’t you. Haven’t heard from him again. Oh, we got a letter in the mail saying he couldn’t reach us.

Bull

Sigh.

So now I’m waiting for the guy to offer me cash for my smashed car and I’m going to call the PIP dude. Dang.

All this while, I mean all of it, I’m going back and forth with the Financial Aid department at my son’s college. OMG!

When will this all stop?

I had an anxiety sort of attack and didn’t go to an appointment I needed to go to. I just couldn’t deal with any more.

Have you had a day like this lately? Oh and my service dog in training was on the high energy going bonkers side all day. She exhausted me. She figures out mental games as fast as I invent them.

It’s Thursday now. Feels like I’ve had three or four Mondays. Today I’m going to go get pictures from Walmart. I might stop by my parents to show them. The pictures are from a coffee can I have saved all the rolls of film I couldn’t afford to get developed from when the kids were little.

Memories.

The lumbar shot I had Monday seems to be helping my back. Now all the muscles that have been affected by the chronic pain… are still in chronic pain. I have a long goad ahead of me to recovery. When I have days like Wed. was, it makes it really hard to do that. My brain just hasn’t been engaging on things I want and have to do. I don’t think that helps my mood at all.

I’m depressed.

Thursday, today, will be a better day. Right?

Your friend,

Robin

Bipolar and Chronic Pain Just Plain Suck

/ Robin

Monday my Bipolar brain took a chance an had a lumbar steroid shot to attempt to relieve massive pain I’ve been experiencing for years. I respond quickly to medications and other treatments and it’s been this way with the lumbar shot. By the next morning I was experiencing muscle cramps and painful spasms. Although I wanted, in my strange way, to think something had gone wrong I decided that these things were happening because my body was moving more freely because there was less pain. Even a slightly longer reach or stretching a muscle beyond what it has been doing for the last 25 years.

The second night my back lit up. All the nerves in my lower back were on fire again. I got an ice pack and sat in my recliner (which my mother thoughtfully gifted to me) and tried to ride out the storm. No such luck. Kyle was staying up late playing a game on the X-box and for the first time he saw a little of the hell my body puts me through. I thought I could get it to calm down with the ice. No such luck. I was reclining in the chair to better freeze the painful area. I couldn’t stand it any longer and I started kicking my legs and groan with the pain.

My anxiety level was reaching critical mass and I felt I was losing control. My mind was unable to restrain or reign in my response to the pain. It was excruciating. I asked Kyle to rinse out the tub for me (Bailey, the puppy, loves to play in the tub when she’s not having a bath.). Not knowing what else to do he did so quickly. I climbed in before the water got more than a few inches deep. I sat with my back to the spigot and the water turned hot. I was so tired I kept falling asleep.

I don’t know why I didn’t use the heating pad. That’s what it’s for really. That and the big ice packs. I think when the pain becomes so great that we can no longer think clearly. Also being Bipolar I’m not always prepared for nor able to deal with such pain. I was so drowsy. I walked close to the wall so I wouldn’t fall down the stairs. Finally I realized I’d not taken anything for my back all evening because I was feeling better. I jumped the gun.

I keep a record of when and what and how much of each drug I take during the say so I don’t over or underdose. I was way under.

Today I asked Kyle if he’d ever seen me like that, in that much pain. He hadn’t. I told him how this was only some of the pain I have been in. If it had been any worse I wouldn’t have reclined my chair because I knew I would break it. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to. I know he is starting to understand.

This, this is Kyle in the first grade. Today he is a sophomore at UWT (University of Washington at Tacoma)
kyle1st-grade

I’ve tried to hide my infirmities from my kids as they’ve grown up. The fits of anger and depression, the aggression and the manias… I couldn’t hide them all the time. Maybe never. I’m not sure. Today all three are remarkable individuals.

Raising them I was in constant physical and mental pain. I nearly lost myself. Today, for the first time in…. forever I put away the groceries anfter shopping and wasn’t in any pain. No pain in my physical body at all.

I had no idea how much pain I’d been in… until after some of it was gone.

It is my hope, that now that some of the chronic pain is alleviated my work to balance my mind will be more successful.

My friend, I have learned many lessons from this experience with ongoing pain. I didn’t know I was blinded by the pain. I didn’t know the pain made my mind, my Bipolar mind, more messy. If you experience other pain in your body that can be addressed, pain so great it alters your daily activities including you need to be doing with your kids. Myself… I couldn’t even stand long enough to cook. When coaching softball my pain was like a monster. I’m sure I wasn’t very effective. I cared a lot about those kids though. I just thought the pain was part of carting around sports equipment. I was wrong.

Consider your body… has it got a hold on your mind? On your Bipolar behavior?

Be well my friend.

Bipolar Mom – Breaking it Down

/ Robin

Sometimes you gotta make a list and then follow with a goat and a horse. 

The last 5 days on speed dial:
Friday – Son in 1st accident: not his fault. Emergency room visit: deep bruising. Car towed.
Saturday – Car lost at random impound lot.
Monday – AAA finally finds car. Insurance finally connected to car and myself (same insurance companies for both drivers)
Monday -I get Lumbar shot (steroid) to try to ease chronic pain.
Tuesday – Father diagnosed with cancer and being sent for a PET scan (today-Wed.)
Tuesday – Spoke on phone to my good friend C in FL. It was good.
Tuesday – Youngest daughter who goes to one of the SOTA high schools spoke to a thousand people in a conference on internships.
Wednesday – Eldest daughter enrolled in community college of the (whatever the military call it. sorry, hon, mom forgets.;0)
Wednesday – Visit with Chronic Pain mgmt. clinic: muscles are spasmed, new med. Father having PET scan.
Tomorrow – Med provider appt.

YESTERDAY – (That would be Tuesday for those of you keeping track.) The people that own a few acres on the hill in front of our house have planted horses. They have two and a pony. I’m not sure why. We had horses and we rode them all the time. (Let me interject here that these people did not have goats.)

I and my puppy Bailey were looking out the front windows to see what some commotion was all about. We heard a very angry mother screaming: “You can’t chase them like dogs! They’re goats!” We saw a white-ish horse run back and forth and back and forth and faster and faster. We saw a dirty horse attempt to do the same but it did look like someone had it on a long lead.

The two goats did goat things and were happy jumping here and there and making goat sounds. I was laughing too hard by that time to be sure what was going on. We saw the pony do what ponies do best…. whatever the hell they want. On and on it went. We got tired and sat down.

This morning I took each of the two kids still at home to the bus at different times. I went to my appointments and ran errands. I came home. Had lunch and played with Bailey. . . . I’m not going to tell you life keeps going and everything is going to be okay or that I’m awesome because that would be me talking out someone else’s top hat. No, this is what I will leave you with for now.

I swear to god I just heard those goats again.   ;0)

Your friend, Robin